Alright… real talk. We all know that Warrant Officers are the “Backbone of the Army”. Anyone with a GT score above 110 will tell you that the NCO Creed stole that shit straight from the Warrant Officer Corps. As one of the resident “Sky Gods” of US Army WTF Moments I can confirm that pilots are a special breed of warrants. It’s pretty safe to say that we are the pinnacle of WO evolution. Empirical studies have shown that pilots commonly have elevated IQs and testosterone levels well above those of the average human being. This phenomena is both a blessing and a curse. We walk into a crowded room, and can immediately identify those who don’t have the mental agility to realize exactly how important we are to their existence. Obviously there is only one remedy to this.
How do I start?
The first step is identifying who in the room could benefit the most from knowing about how much more important your job is than theirs. Don’t worry. They’re probably a lowly cook or Cav Scout. A quick scan of the closest targets of opportunity should start with attractive women and work down from there. Pilots often travel in packs of two or more as this helps break down scanning sectors and distributes workload between the crew. The key is to close quickly and open with your most effective weapon once you’ve identified your first target. Don’t beat around the bush with opening conversation or ice breakers. Lead with the party starter. Here’s a perfect example: “Hey how’s it going? Yeah that’s cool. So I was flying my AH-64D Longbow gunship around the other day and we did this bad ass thing.” Boom. It’s that easy. Now they know how awesome you are, and how much better your job is than theirs. It’s that simple!
The next step is to brush off whatever trivial response they have and begin scanning the room for your next target. Do not allow yourself to be decisively engaged with unimportant conversation that doesn’t relate to who you are or what you do. There are a few exceptions for topics of continued conversation which include (but are not limited to) CrossFit, retelling war stories about schwacking a bunch of dudes in the sandbox, or anything else relevant to how interesting you are.
These basic active techniques can be learned in a relatively short time. There are also passive techniques that allow you to inform the masses without any effort on your part. A cursory glance at your lifted truck or loud sports car back window should display at a minimum some sort of sticker related to your airframe. An Apache firing a hellfire with the text “Got Hellfire” next to it would be a perfect example. More advanced techniques include Air Medal or Distinguished Flying Cross vanity plates. The pièce de résistance to any pilot ensemble is a pristine set of mirror finish aviator glasses. For expanded reading you can refer to AR 670-1W. It has a myriad of other techniques such as having at least one hand in a pocket at all times, perpetually leaving your aforementioned aviators resting atop your pristine glistening hair, and optional accessories like offensive coffee mugs.
Don’t worry ladies (or dudes in some cases). We haven’t forgotten about you. You help illustrate one of the best benefits of those sweet aviator wings on our chest. That feeling in your loins when you start talking to a helicopter pilot is only natural. I’m going to be honest with you. It gets to be a drag having to slay it John Holmes style every night. And a lady pilot? That’s an automatic 11. A female pilot easily pulls more dick than a platoon of Navy SEALs.
Hopefully after reading this article you have begun to realize how magnificent helicopter pilots are, and how insignificant your current existence really is. Don’t fret! There’s hope for you yet. A quick Google search of “USAREC” can be the first step on the road to becoming one of the penultimate classes of Warrant that the Army has to offer. For more information on the US Army Pilot program check out http://www.usarec.army.mil/hq/warrant/ and be sure to reference this article so they fast track you. Flight school starts every two weeks!