I’d like to confess to a heinous crime that took place in 1988 at the Lawton, Oklahoma McDonald’s and dominated the local news for half a day. The crime? The abduction of that crazy burger clown Ronald McDonald by myself and three other incredibly intoxicated Marines.

I promise you we did not intend for this to happen, we just wanted some burgers after a night of drinking 3% beer on the strip. The night was cold, snow covered everything on that crisp night as we pulled into the McDonald’s parking lot. When we spotted him, standing there in the fenced in court yard, smiling, waving, and wearing those stupid overalls. Then it hit me, he is coming with us.

The plan went like this, one guy would go into the McDonald’s to distract the employees and if possible bring back a sack of tasty burgers. I would scale the fence and find a way to detach Ronald from his mount and the other two would pull the car close to the fence and open the trunk.

All set, we went into action and before I knew it I was face to face with the victim, his clown shoes were screwed into the ground so I gave him a push. He snapped off at the ankles falling to the ground taking me with him. I quickly recover, grabbed Ronald and threw him over the fence. The two guys on the other side tossed him in the trunk and slammed it closed. I followed and as we pull around to get our last guy he is running out of the McDonald’s and yes, he has a sack of cheese burgers!

We make a quick stop at a Century 21 office and clip a ‘For Sale’ sign. Then we got back to base around 2 or 3 a.m. We set Ronald up with the ‘For Sale’ sign in front of our Gunny’s office. The next day the Army was blamed for pulling the prank and McDonald’s handed out free Big Mac coupons to all the Marines for finding, keeping him safe and turning Ronald back over. Pretty sure the Statutes of Limitations has expired so I wanted to clear my conscience, thank you for your understanding, Semper Fidelis.

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