There I was at home on a weekend trying to relax when I receive a call. I answer my phone and it’s one of my Soldiers on the other end. The Soldier calmly tells me he’s on his way to the hospital and not to worry that he’s alright. Like any NCO the question game ensues.
The soldier was giving me the run around and tried to evade most of my questions. After a short firefight I finally squeezed out that he was in an ambulance and he thought he had a broken tailbone. The story clearly made no sense and everyone knows a broken tailbone doesn’t require an ambulance. I told the soldier I would see him at the emergency room.
He kept telling me not to worry about it that he didn’t need anyone to check up on him. After all the red flags of a straight up BS story went off I called my chain of command and made my way to the hospital. Once I got there I went up to the receptionist who informed me I was not allowed to see him since I was not a family member. The receptionist told me to wait that she would get one of his nurses to answer any questions.
As I’m waiting I see a nurse walking down this long hallway and she’s clearly distraught and talking to herself. She walks straight up to me and ask if I’m the one asking about his soldier. I immediately start asking questions like any other concerned NCO would do. She informed me that she could not release any information since I was not a family member. I ask her if his his tailbone was broke and she erupted in laughter. At this point I’m getting a little impatient and I knew something funny was going on but she would not budge.
After badgering her for ten minutes she finally said, “I’ll put it this way we are waiting for a surgeon”.
That pretty much answered my question and I notified my 1SG, “Hey top, I think he has something stuck in his ass”. I gave up the questioning for the night and decided to try again the next day.
After P.T. I headed back to the hospital with a friend of mine who was the PSG at the time to see how the Soldier was doing. On the way I called the Soldier who clearly didn’t want any visitors and proceeded to give us a fake room number. It took us an hour to find him and by this time he was out of the E.R. And in a room where visitors are allowed.
I asked him if his tailbone was broken and he continued with the lie. At this point I get tired of all the B.S. and I go NCO on his ass. He finally breaks and says he fell out of the shower and impaled himself.
The PSG says, “Why didn’t you tell the truth to begin with?” in a loud and angry snarl.
The Soldier says “H-H-How w-w-would you feel if you had a toilet brush sticking out your ass?!”
At this point we both lose it and leave the room laughing our asses off. He got out of the hospital five days later. He had nine inches of toilet brush stuck in his anal cavity! He learned a valuable lesson, I’m sure. Not sure what the odds are for falling rectum first on a toilet brush is but I would say it’s slim to none.
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