The Porcupine and the Beret

I was working mid-shift on Fort Wainwright one night when I was called to the front gate to “see something cool”. I was assigned to the Airborne MP platoon, 172nd SIB and we did not get to work law enforcement duties very often so needless to say our shifts resembled parts of the movie Super Troopers.

This particular night found us in a tense standoff with a fat ass woodland creature known as the porcupine. Now, I had never been up close with a porcupine before but I had heard that if swat their back with a hat or a piece of clothing you could confiscate some quills from the critter as they would stick to the fabricate. So now there are three MPs surrounding this slow moving prickly bastard trying to figure out if we could keep it as a pet or set it free in the barracks.

I decided being the patrol supervisor that the latter would be a bad idea but instead opted to try and get some quills. I removed my broken in maroon beret and swatted the porcupine’s back. To my surprise he sprinted forward the very moment my beret made contact with his back thus ripping the beret from my hand. So now there is a 30lb porcupine with a maroon beret stuck to its back heading for the wood line with three MPs in tow.

You cannot really do anything to catch a porcupine so we tried to pry the beret from his quills with our nightsticks. No luck. I also learned that night that porcupines are excellent climbers and this fat ass showed us just how good he was when he came to first tree. Up the tree he went with my beret still firmly attached to his back and disappearing into the dark. We never saw the beret again but did see him return to the front gate several nights later.