WASHINGTON, DC – At a press briefing today a Pentagon spokesperson confirmed speculative reports that Secretary of Defense James Mattis utilized a new power move to thwart an attempt on his life earlier this week when Taliban forces in Kabul launched a rocket attack against him as he boarded his C-130 transport plane.
Army Colonel William Rotman said that “Initially, Secretary Mattis came under fire on the tarmac of Hamid Karzai International Airport and Rug Emporium. Although his escort of Shaolin warrior-monks were able to snatch the speeding missiles from the air before they landed, the Secretary chose that event to test out a new ability he’d spent his most recent skill points on. After seconds of reflection on all possible outcomes and their probabilities he immediately warped space and time backwards two hours in order to exit safely and transit home with no loss of life or unanticipated flayings of low-level enemy fighters.”
This new ability comes as a shock to defense experts as Mattis has previously focused on melee attacks and leadership buffs, typically abstaining from health regeneration or armor bonuses. “I’m not a tanker,” Mattis declared, as he waited for the mandatory twenty-four hour ability cooldown period to conclude, “I rely on speed and let my corpsmen patch me up when things get hairy. I know very well there isn’t a piece of armor in the world that can stop a maxed-out Tripoli Knife-Hand stacked with Chesty’s Glare of Doom locked in macro repeat. I assure our country that I still believe the best defense is a good offense.”
Mattis was quick to dismiss concerns that he had grown soft as a cabinet member, assuring those present that he was still tapping into the dark powers of Blood Magic. “There is no Life Magic involved, period. This isn’t about protecting me or pandering to hippie lobbyists. This is about protecting the nearly 3,000,000 XP the US taxpayers have spent on me to unlock a tier that is well over 9,000. I have a duty to be a good steward of defense resources. My ability to phase in and out of time is a direct result of this responsibility, and I’m pleased that this initial test phase was concluded successfully.”
Colonel Rotman also confirmed that Mattis’ latest ability was unlocked subsequent to his recent promotion to Secretary of Defense. “Upon assuming his rightful mantle as the most powerful warlord in the entire history of our species, Secretary Mattis naturally considered new abilities that were more in line with this position. He solicited bids from every major defense contractor and, although he was tempted to take another slot in endurance and increase his carry capacity by 50 pounds, he elected to begin a new skill line instead.” Military analysts are generally in agreement that Mattis’ innovative ability to bend the very fabric of the universe was previously unknown and proof that the Pentagon is investing in optional download content for the Secretary of Defense, likely in anticipation of the long-awaited expansion campaign to his conquests, ‘Total War: Korean Peninsula’.
At time of press Mattis remained non-committal on whether he would choose to prestige this form when he reaches level ninety-nine, or turn his left arm into a rail gun.
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